ally ally jandro (blahnicity) wrote in yung_luk,
ally ally jandro

sj faith is a synonym for undeserved love

title: faith is a synonym for undeserved love
pairing: hankyung/heechul, babyverse
summary: depression hurts everyone around it. no previous knowledge needed beyond "they have a daughter named Mei-Ha"

For Ne Ne, because I love you and I owe you and I am sorry for everything. <3

Mei-Ha has known, for a while, that she is damaged she is different she is wrong. Her fathers are perfect and she has beautiful friends and she is well provided for and she is loved and she is shaking crying gasping in a corner of her closet with her hands over her mouth because she feels like she is crawling out of her own skin she feels like she is a water balloon stretched and bloated and shredding under pressure and her insides are seeping out and spilling from her cupped hands and soaking the carpet.

She starts to get distracted, she can’t remember her name she will drift off and then suddenly snap back in the moment, struggling to believe that she is wherever she is, everything feels like a surreal dream it feels like blurred lines and wispy focus she is falling falling through the looking glass and wonderland isn’t what she remembers. People start to ask her if she’s okay, the reach out and they touch her and sometimes it twists the lens of life like binoculars everything is clear again so she starts to cling more, she reaches out she leans on people she curls close and it’s steadying it’s real it’s reassuring it’s only for a while.

She thinks it’s not fair, really, that she leans on these people that have real problems that have serious problems and her silly concerns and issues pale in comparison to them, to others, to those lying in hospitals with real conditions and those crumpled under rubble waiting for the earth to stop shaking their city to the ground and the people sitting bowed in church pews listening to a preacher talk well of the dearly departed and she knows she is trivial she is spoiled she is hateful.

After a while she thinks it best if she doesn’t go to heaven she thinks repent ye sins and ye shall be saved and thinks she does not wish to be saved. But really she thinks going to sleep and never waking up sounds better all the while.

Except she does wake up she wakes up to beeps and white and the stink of death and bleach and Heechul’s face, red eyes and chewed nails, his long beautiful nails he loves bitten red and bloody to the quick and he is angry he is so angry he is screaming. He leaves and Hankyung is there and Hankyung is crying, her ba ba her rock the steady calm to her oppa’s quicksilver temper and he is holding her hand so tight her bones creak and he is sobbing over her in Chinese and Korean and everything in between.

She wakes again and her oppa will not come to see her he will not step into her room, but she sees him, slumped against the wall outside with cheap harsh coffee sludge from the downstairs cafeteria, disheveled and hair greasy from fingeroil and long nights away from his shower. He ba ba doesn’t cry anymore he makes lists he makes plans he runs his finger down her cheek like he used to do when she was tiny tiny and afraid of the dark of her closet of the monsters under her bed instead of inside her heart.

you will get better you are my baby I believe in you he says what would I do without you and she thinks live laugh kiss never cry and giggles, giggles and laughs and then sobs, cries into his shoulder and asks what is wrong with her why is she like this and she is sorry she is so so so sorry please forgive her please.

And she wakes in her oppa’s arms, his back against the plastic railing of her headboard, her body in his lap, the fading smell of his soap around her and her ba ba’s head on her stomach, his hands around hers and she can feel them breathe and she can hear their heartbeats and she thinks she can borrow their faith until she finds some of her own.
Tags: verse: babyverse
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